America supports education. The average college professor earns more in a year than most pro athletes earn in a whole week.

I'm not very influential. Last time I pulled some strings my sweater unraveled.

Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga.

The best thing about being single is sleeping around. You can sleep all over that lonely bed of yours. Left, right, middle, whatever.

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.


Flies only live for 24 hours. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those ones magically live forever!


Dear radio stations, you do realize there are more than just 5 songs in the world, right?

You should never fear what you don't know, that's why I'm not afraid of anything.

My wallet is like an onion. When I open it.. it makes me cry.

I judge you by what’s behind you in your photos

Coffee shops should have a separate line for people who are late for work.

Facebook: where the normal people pretend to be crazy and the crazy people pretend to be normal. And we all fail miserably.

I'm so glad my dog can't talk...he knows to much...

I never wanted to believe that my Dad stole from his job as a road worker, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

The speed in which a women says 'Nothing' when asked 'Whats wrong' is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh*t-storm thats coming.

My psychologyst once told me "for the last time, the psychologyst is on the next office! I am a f*cking dentist!"

I Don't Have a Bad Handwriting. I have my own Font.

They finally invented a computer as smart as a person. When it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

Honesty is the best policy, as long as you agree with the boss.

The drug store was all sold out of Happy Belated Diamond Jubilee cards :(

How come no super-villain has tried to kill spiderman with bug spray?

I'm getting fed up with my girlfriend's OCD. She's insisting that I arrange my DVDs alphabetically. I can't put Up with It any longer.

The 21st century. When deleting history is more important than making it.

We need to stop teaching our children to sing the alphabet. It took me 5 years to realize that 'Elemeno' wasn't a letter.

My wife says she's going to leave me for being too impatient. I can't wait.

Failed my Geography exam yesterday..... Apparently the capital of Colorado isn't 'C'

The only 3 things a guy should wanna change about his girl is her last name, her address and her viewpoint on men.

Why do people use the phrase "work like a dog" ? I wish I worked like my dog...I would sleep 18 hours a day.

Its amazing how the people with no job always have a bag of weed on them

The dude buying condoms and getting his card declined. He just got c**k blocked by Visa.